'I was 22 when Gordon died' - Pam's Story
My name is Pamela, I lost my brother Gordon, he was killed when a road side bomb hit his vehicle in Basra on 28 June 2004. Aged nineteen, he served with the 1st Battalion Royal Highland Fusiliers.
I was 22 when Gordon died, being the eldest off the three of us I felt that I had to look after my sister. I found it hard to speak to anyone about my feelings as I didn't want to cry in front of my mum or dad and upset them.
There was only so much I could speak to my friends before I felt that they had got sick of listening to me, so I kept a lot of my feelings to myself . I then decided to try making contact with a sibling that my mum had met through her campaigning. Just speaking to someone who knew what I was going through was like a weight lifted, I didn't feel as if I was the only one going mad.
I then decided to try get in contact with as many siblings as I could to try and get us together to show each other some support, even just having a quick chat online helped.
I then decided to go to one of the SSAFA meetings with my mum thinking 'this isn't going to be for me'.
I sat listening to mums go on and on, but I was wrong, it never felt better to share stories and feelings. We then decided to get a siblings group going and slowly at every meeting there were new siblings coming. It was fab just sitting with people who felt the same, had the same feelings as me.
I felt like I could speak about Gordon without people thinking 'is she still going on'.
We all swapped numbers and have stayed in contact, we are like one big family now . We phone, text and email each other regularly and are there for each other.
My advice for anyone thinking about coming to the group would be; come and give it a go. We are all friendly and welcome anyone, if it's not for you then you can say you have tried.
We also have fun too its not all sitting about crying I promise! If it wasn't for SSAFA Siblings I don't know where I would be .